Idiot Quest

by Popskyy

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about

If you've backed this on Kickstarter to get the digital version
Don't pre-order this (Unless you're insane)

credits

released April 1, 2017

Album art - DeadLeavesFall
Lyrics to all songs - Dan Paul

DAAP - Samples on The Best Damned Dark Souls Song
Futureman - Guest Vocal on WvF
dalsarius82 - Guitar on Sometimes I Just Want YOU

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license

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Popskyy Houston, Texas

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Track Name: The Best Damned Dark Souls Song
THE BEST DAMNED DARK SOULS SONG

(without music)
And we’re in . . .
Here we go Dash, what do we got?
Through the door, let’s see . . .


What the fuck is this?
He’s huge.


Why are all the bosses in this game twelve times our size.
That’s way too many graphics.
How come Dash doesn’t get graphics like that?
What’s he doing?
Dash, don’t just stand there.
Or he’s gonna . . .
DO THAT.
See?
How about get in there!
Give him a taste.
Look out.
Okay that hurt.
See if you can get a drink.
He says no.
Stay with him.
Okay, skate out! Now! Now!
Fuck!


All right, round two with this bitch.
Let’s go, Dash.
Wait, I can’t . . . what’s going on?
Menu!
Fuck, menu!
Out
Out
Out
Shit


Okay, round, what is this nine, ten?
Stay close, Dash.
Don’t do that.
You crazy fuck.
Holy shit, I’m alive.
Drink, you idiot.


Take a shot. Take a shot.
There it is!
Atta boy, Dash. He felt that one.
Storm’s a blowin’ now!
Take another. One more.


Oops.
Roll, roll, roll out!
Where’s the green bar up in this bitch?
What?
Oh come on!
He’s never done that before.
That fucked us.
That was completely random.
He does that?
Since when?
The entire Dark Souls development team laughing at that one.
God damn it.


Okay, welcome back to Dark Souls. This is like, my hundredth run against this same fuck.
You’re tired of watching, imagine Dash’s arms.
Poor bastard.


Let’s go, Dash.
You’ve got this.
Perfect.
There’s a cut!
Nice cut
Beautiful, Dash.
This is the run.

Stay close to him.
Keep him on his toes.
Keep him dancing, Dash.
Nice roll.
There it is again.
Take one more!
Take another!
Get entitled on his ass!
Ouch, that’s okay.
You’re all right.
Get a drink.

And we are out of estus.
Careful.
Now caution.
Stick and move, Dash.
How’s his health?
Not even half way?
I have a feeling we’ll be doing this again tomorrow.

Best Damned Dark Souls on Twitch, run 7 or 8 hundred.
Enough fucking around.
This is the run.
Great start.
You got this, Dash.
And move back in.
Fuck yeah.
Gorgeous, Dash!
What a cut!
Annnnnd roll.
God, you’re looking sharp, Dash.
Annnnnd inside.
Go to work.
Hit him.
Hit him.
Kneel you fuck.
Hit him again.
Kneel.
Kneel.
You got him, Dash, you got this!
He’s going down.
He can’t take anymore!
Drop him.
Drop him!

Wait what?
What happened?
How did I even die?
Oh my god . . .

(YOU DIED sound)

(without music)
Okay.
No worries.
Dash the rash, never goes away.
We’ll be back.
He’s coming right back.
Nothing’s stopped him yet. Nothing ever gonna.
Let’s go again.
Track Name: It Burns Like Hell (by Bart)
IT BURNS LIKE HELL

You say the barn caught fire
And all the horses died
Your mother may have cancer
Your father must have lied

It’s tighter than a noose around your balls
You’re sitting on the saddle horn
When the whiskey calls

Hey there, bartender
Nothin’ fancy, here
But I’ll need me a shot or two
And not another beer

I don’t want no top shelf
Whatever’s in the well
In fact, I like that better
Because it burns it like hell

So now your sister’s pregnant
The boyfriend’s out of town
By god, the dog’s gone rabid
You’ll have to put him down

An’ Sharks attacked your Aunt Sue
When she fell in a lake
Your pen pal he was squashed to death
Due to some earthquake

It’s tighter than a noose around your balls
You’re right there on the saddle horn
When the whiskey calls

Hey there, bartender
Nothin’ fancy, no
I’ll just need a shot or two
Before I have to go

I don’t want no top shelf
I’ll have me the well
I swear that it tastes better
Because it burns like hell

Gansters killed your nephew
Hung him from an airplane
Then Grandpa’s ghost showed up
And Grandma went insane

A truck drove through your house
You’re almost out of drugs
Your wife is gonna leave you
Who the fuck cares

It’s tighter than a noose around your balls
You’ll need a bigger saddle horn
Before the whiskey calls

Hey there bartender
How much for a massage?
I ride buckin’ broncos
I don’t do dressage

This time let’s go top shelf
I can’t do the well
I’ll need something smooth as fuck
That doesn’t burn like hell
Track Name: Every Kiss Begins With Kris
EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH KRIS by Kris

Baby baby, let’s get dressed
Find someplace to make a mess
Have a drink or maybe two
Girl I wanna dance with you

Mmmmmmm I love your touch
Roll my eyes cuz you too much
Sink my teeth into your neck
Slap me put my face in check

Oh baby you so tough
Come on girl I like it rough

What you gonna do to me
Guess I gotta wait and see

Oooooohh may your kiss never miss
Open my mouth
Take me like this

Oooooohh may your kiss never miss
So make a move
Do me like this

Maybe maybe we’ll stay in
You can tell me where you been
All my life I needed you
Where you been an tell me true

Mmmmmmm I want you now
No matter where no matter how
Whisper that into your ear
All those things you wanna hear

Boo baby make me sad
Why you gotta be so bad

Tell me you no good for me
Guess we better wait and see

Ooooooooh may your kiss never miss
Open my mouth
Take me like this

Ooooooooh may your kiss never miss
So make a move
Do me like this

Someone better stop me
Yea
Someone better stop me
Oh no no
Someone better stop me
Yea Yea
Someone better stop me
No no no

What you gonna do about it, bitch?
My name is Kris. Cutest boy on Twitch
Whatchu gonna do about this, bitch?
Hello I’m Kris the cutest boy on Twitch.

Baby baby watch yourself
Don’t put my love on the shelf
Hug your hips and stroke your cheek
I know how your knees get weak

Mmmmmmm Love the way you moan
Don’t you dare pick up the phone
You so hot and always sweet
Grab your ankles kiss your feet

What you gonna do about this, bitch?
My name is Kris. Cutest boy on Twitch
Whatchu gonna do about this, bitch?
Hello I’m Kris the cutest boy on Twitch

Oooooooh may your kiss never miss
Open my mouth
Take me like this

Oooooooh may your kiss never miss
So make a move
Do me like this
Track Name: $20 Dolla Holla (by Jerome)
20 Dolla Holla

Knock knock, it’s Jerome
I’m goin’ door to door
Sellin’ all kinds of things
You didn’t need before

Surprise, now you do
How bout a gold chain?
I got one that’s bronze
Easy to maintain

Oh no, you tell me
It’s got to be gold
Fine then, here you go
Twenty dollars? Sold!

Oh my what a deal
They all say to me
Oh lord what a steal
For such a small fee

20 Dolla Holla
Who want it? Who need it?

Goin’ once
Goin’ twice
Who want it? Who need it?

20 Dolla Holla
Who want it? Who need it?

Three times
SOLD!

Bang bang, it’s Jerome
I’m back in your hood.
Everything’s on sale
So buy now, you should

An’ old santa suit
With holes in the knees
Great Christmas present
You kiddin’ me? Please!

Even got the beard
It’s dusty, it’s old
I’ll throw in some boots
Twenty dollars? Sold!

Oh my what a deal
They all say to me
Oh lord what a steal
For such a small fee

20 Dolla Holla
Who want it? Who need it?

Goin’ once
Goin’ twice

20 Dolla Holla
Who want it? Who need it?

Three times
Sold!

What’s up, it’s Jerome
Passin’ through your town
Not a lot of cash?
Don’t let it get you down

I got a briefcase
Full of knicks and knacks
Best part about it?
There is NO SALES TAX

Anniversary?
Look at this, behold
A used vibrator
Twenty dollars? Sold!

Oh my what a deal
They all say to me
Oh lord what a steal
For such a small fee

20 Dolla Holla
Who want it? Who need it?

Goin’ once.
Goin’ twice

20 Dolla Holla
Who want it? Who need it?

Three times
Sold!

(Improv: my wife is so fat jokes?)

Let me tell you. She so fat . . .

My wife, my wife is so fat, when she go on vacation, she already there.

My wife so fat, she block traffic from inside the house.

My wife so fat, the only car she can drive is a Nissan Fictitious.

My wife so fat if she order all you can eat shrimp, shrimp extinct

My wife so fat she make Goodyear Blimp look like a bad year for blimps

My wife so fat she eat a birthday cake on nobody’s birthday

My wife so fat, she go to Dairy Queen an order a Sunday,
order Monday Tuesday Wednesday as well.

My wife so fat she have to get her pizza at Big Caesars.

My wife so fat her wedding ring come from Saturn

My wife so fat, she order bottomless fries, and git to the bottom.

My wife is so fat, she go to Sea World and charge admission.

My wife is so fat, she go to Sea World they abuse her.

My wife is so fat. She be at Sea World wonderin’ how come nobody visit.

My wife is so fat, Sea World say, bitch nooooo.

That’s Sea World jokes.

My wife so fat, she go to Sea World say mmmm. They serving seals.
Track Name: Wally v FMG
(WALLY)
Futureman, you here or not?
I’m calling you out so come get it while it’s hot
I been to the future didn’t see you there
Maybe used to time travel ‘til you cut your hair?

You say you used to teach? I say substitute
And boy, I hope you wash that jogging suit
Nice visor, I’m glad it covers half your face
Go on home, McFly. Shouldn’t be here in the first place

(FMG)
cmon man look at you
Should spend a lil less time sniffin dat that glue
All messed up and ya dunno what to do
Take a shower dude ya smell like dragon poo

cruising down the street my deloreon
Hit 88mph, and I’m soarin' in
To another place, time, and dimension fool
Doesn’t matter the year I make this shit look cool


(During the musical chorus: angry, spoken dialogue)

WALLY: If I’m a magician my best trick is your mother.
FMG: You suck. Wally more like WALL-e

WALLY: Nice moves get you fired from teaching, lad?
FMG: YOU'RE SO OLD?

(FMG)
Take 2 steps back in fact make it four
Dealing with you is turning into a bore
I got more important things to do
Visor scan NERF system enhance *nice moves*

I don’t need a blue pill how bow you
Sippin on my G n T with the skyline view
Robo hoes on my left cyborg bitches on my right
Certified fresh, keep it feeling *ALRIGHT*


(WALLY)
Hold up, you play video games, right?
Saving the world gigabyte by byte?
Well, I kill real live monsters, son
Come to saving the world, Wally get the job done

Problem with that? For shame, for shame.
Know what they say? Hate the player not the game.
I’ll blast your ass across the galaxy
“DJs in Space come rescue me!”

(During the musical chorus: angry, spoken dialogue)

FMG: I seriously fucking doubt you’re a wizard.
WALLY: I’ll be god damned if you’re from the future.

FMG: That beards prolly fake.. Fake beard
WALLY: You got no musical talent whatsoever.

(WALLY)
Futureman, subscribe on youtube, brah!
Oh yeah, let me think about it, pfft, nah!
I be busy with a lich or a bitch, yo
Maybe I catch you on the flipside, dough

No hate, I’m a let you walk away
But best be careful, kid, what you say
I’m the type you don’t wanna mess wiff
You be thinking the rest o’ your life? What if?

(FMG)
Okay, okay, but you started this
Callin’ me out, with your wind and piss
You’re old and stubborn, cantankerous
But’s that’s okay, we end like this . . .

How’s it going with the dark souls run?
Back to the future and you still ain’t done
Good luck old man all the best
You’re gonna need it... on your epic quest

(During the musical chorus: angry, spoken dialogue)

WALLY: I ain’t dying and you ain’t shit, boieeeeeeeeeee.
FMG: Chill out wally. AND don't call me "BOI"

WALLY: Hehehe truth hurts.
FMG: Not like your aching back, I bet.
Track Name: 20 Bitches Hype
20 Bitches Hype

You been waitin’ on it
Cuz it’s been a while
Here come the “Old Boss” with a new style
I roll 20 bitches deep and you know that
I be knockin’ more boots than a doormat
I can sling dem spells you don’t want none
I be turnin’ undead ’til they all done
I set a troll on fire
Steal hobbits from the shire
Have a drink with a friar
Pluck a tune from a lyre
Inspire the town crier
Avoid the mindfryer
Rest at the bonfire
And I have fun

I know everybody
Cuz I been aroun’
I know every detail about they backgroun’
You been wonderin’ where ol’ Wally been?
How bout sackin’ towns and plunderin’?
I got the magic words you don’t wanna hear
I bring my staff of power that you all fear
You’ll be my new piss stop
You ain’t nothing but a flop
Open you like a shop
Karate chop chop chop
You fall down with a plop
Mop you up with a mop
How’d you like that drop
Then I disappear

20 bitches hype, it’s all good
They love the wizard in the hood
20 bitches hype, you know me
I’m bringin’ that high level sorcery
20 bitches hype, it’s all good
They love the wizard in the hood
20 bitches hype, you know me
Bringin’ that high level sorcery

Are you beggin’ for it?
Come an’ get some
I’m the whole damn loaf and you’re a breadcrumb
I’ll send an upstart mage to his deathbed
Boy, you ought not to left that farmstead
I got a beard you don’t wanna mess with
I got a knock spell don’t need a locksmith
I cook without cookware
It’s glamour not skincare
I own a fat armchair
I teleport right there
Fly without airfare
I’m payin’ no childcare
I know it’s so unfair
An’ it’s no myth

Shorty, settle down
Cuz I’m an old man
I seen better lookin’ bitches in a cave clan
Do somethin’ bout your dress and your nails girl
Maybe give that hair jus’ a lil’ curl
An’ you prolly better paint that face too
Cuz ain’t nobody wanna see the real you
Oh you say I’m rude
Got a bad attitude
You don’t like my mood?
Because I’m way too crude
Think you’re devalued
And that I’m too shrewd
Don’t want to see you nude
I say boo hoo

20 bitches hype, it’s all good
They love the wizard in the hood
20 bitches hype, you know me
I’m bringin’ that high level sorcery
20 bitches hype, it’s all good
They love the wizard in the hood
20 bitches hype, you know me
Bringin’ that high level sorcery

One more?

Just forget about it
Cuz I ain’t done yet
You say, Wally, how much better do it get?
How’s about one more verse, you think?
Lil’ somethin’ for you at home to lip sync?
I throw fireballs, trust me, you don’t want any
I got magic missiles an’ I got plenty
I steal the dragon’s hoard
Got me a magic sword
I am my own landlord
I flip the whole chessboard
I’ll have the place restored
I am my own reward
Break the damn headboard
You know I can’t afford
To sit and be ignored
I’d rather be adored
You say how many bitches?
It’s 20.
Track Name: FACE OF IRON
FACE OF IRON

I am the NIGHTMARE, a gruesome sight.
A bloody killer, who stalks the night.

My breath is ice, my body never breaks.
And with my knife, I’ll carve you into steaks.

Because you made me, I’ll unmake you.
I’ll do it MY STYLE, cleave you in two.

Out the window, Ron — Tina’s mine.
Hang on, Matt — You’re doing fine.

(CHORUS: Face, Face, Face, Face of Iron)

CITY OF NEW JERSEY: YOU BELONG TO ME.
Check the scoreboard, and then you’ll see.

Hello, Gretchen, you’d better run.
So sorry, Doug, about your son.

CHECK THE SCOREBOARD. I always win.
Hang you from a cross for my every sin.

Master of Escape, I simply disappear.
But before you know it, I’ll be near.

(CHORUS: Face, Face, Face, Face of Iron)
Track Name: The Willies
THE WILLIES

Okay, we’ll play a scary game.
But all these stupid games are the same.
It’s too dark to see and that’s fucking lame.
I have no bullets so why even aim?

God damn it, I don’t have a gun?
What the fuck?! I thought I had one!
I better find one soon or else I’m done.
These horror games are soooo much fun.

Oh great, more blood on the floor …
I thought he was dead, I guess he died some more.
Now I can’t get out because they locked the door.
Where’s the key? It should be in the drawer!

Stumble around, like I’m in a trance.
Something jumps out and I shit my pants.
Whatever it is I’m gonna take a stance
But I die, of course, never have a chance.

CHORUS:

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games

Now what? I gotta hide somewhere.
Behind the sofa? Behind the chair?
Here it comes, from right over there!
And I’m dead, of course, I don’t even care.

Look a book, another diary?
How’d they die? Let’s read it and see.
Something cryptic and then fuck me.
Let’s go back again, hit ‘B’.

Uh oh, the kitchen’s filled with blood.
What’s on the walls, what is this crud?
Did you hear that? I heard a thud.
All I get from chat is: “Good luck, bud.”

Thanks. That helps a whole lot.
All I need’s to get out of this spot.
Here comes a monster just like I thought.
Still no gun or I’d take a shot.

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games

Oh sure, these games are profound.
Follow that trail of blood on the ground.
Next thing you know, a scary sound.
Creepy music, the dolls dance around.

You can’t get out, you can’t get in.
Where do you go? Where have you been?
Nothing attacking me has skin.
So I can’t lose but I can’t win.

There’s no skill, there’s no luck.
I’m trapped, and now, I can’t get unstuck.
People that made this game sure suck.
Honestly, I don’t think they give a fuck.

So there, hope I explained:
Why all of my efforts seem so damned pained.
Whole time I played the game I complained.
And it was all to keep you fucks entertained.

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games.

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games

God, these games
They give me the willies
I hate the willies
I hate these games
Track Name: Sometimes I Just Want You (A song for Carmichael) [Feat dalsarius82]
SOMETIMES I JUST WANT YOU
(a song for Carmichael)


You feel like a crusty sock
I’m glad that you can’t talk
I know the stuff you’d say
Would scare my friends away

The things that you’ve lived through
The dreams you’ve had to make come true
Between your paws. For no applause. Don’t get mad because …

Sometimes I just want you
You do things that girls won’t do
You don’t need air. You’ll stay down there. My dirty little bear …

It’s not a tiger. I don’t care what he says.

I had a dream last night
We got into a fight
I called you a whore
And you walked out the door

I flew into a rage
Imagined you onstage
Dancing on a pole
I felt like an asshole

The dream had seemed so real
I never want to make you feel
Like you’re alone. Somewhere unknown. Without a damn cell phone.

Sometimes I just want you.
You do things that girls won’t do.
Right up the butt. You’re such a slut. Yeah, I’m drunk, so what?

Sometimes I just want you
To do the things that girls won’t do
You’re like a saint. You’ll lick my taint. And you won’t even faint.

I just want you
Only you

I’ll never let anyone take you away from me
Come to bed

Please come back to bed
Track Name: HOT CHOCOLATE by STAN
HOT CHOCOLATE
by STAN the MAN



So where to begin?
Kick the door in.
I’m back out of hell
To bid you farewell

The devil is loose
So take the abuse
You thought I was through
I ain’t done with you

Hellfire
Burn baby burn
You’re feeling it now
But it’s your mom’s turn

Hot chocolate
Go on have a sip
Marshmallows?
Or lots of Cool Whip?

Hot chocolate
This mug’s on me
Marshmallows?
They come for free

You let down your guard
I’ll come at you hard
What learning curve?
Here’s what you deserve.

Do you want more?
You’re flat on the floor
Pay back’s a bitch
Your dad’s a bitch too.

Hellfire
Burn baby burn
You’re feeling it now
But it’s your bro’s turn

Hot chocolate
Go on have a sip
Marshmallows?
Or lots of Cool Whip?

Hot chocolate
This mug’s on me
Marshmallows?
They come for free

I’m writing you off
I’m sorry (cough, cough)
It’s over and done
The champion’s won

You’ve been defeated
My triumph is tweeted
Now everyone knows
And your sister blows

Hot chocolate
Go on have a sip
Marshmallows?
Or lots of Cool Whip?

Hot chocolate
This mug’s on me
Marshmallows?
They come for free

Hot chocolate
Go on have a sip
Marshmallows?
Or lots of Cool Whip?

Hot chocolate
This mug’s on me
Marshmallows?
They come for free